sooo.. i’ve known this guy for about a month and a half. we dated for about two weeks.. then were broken up for two weeks.. and now we’re back together.

anyway - we went on a date to talk about things.. reconcile, talk, etc.. and i asked if he’d slept with anyone while we were apart.

he. slept. with. my. ex. best. friend.

the one married to the asshole. the one with the babies i miss so much because i’d witnessed so much of their beginnings. the one who promised we’d be old best friends.. to the very end. the one i haven’t spoken to in about 2 years now.

i appreciate his honesty.. but i just.. ugh. so frustrating.

On the way home from dinner, he accidentally butt-dialed her and she recognized my voice (weird?). she started texting him.. asking if he was getting back together with me (how’d she know i was even dating him? weird again..). going off about how he’d just taken her out on monday and how effed up he was. she also said something along the lines of “i’ll enjoy the phone call after she breaks up with you in a month”.he told her we were together again officially, and that he wasn’t gonna be able to hang out with her… she didn’t really like that too much.

i’ll admit i do get a little claustrophobic in relationships.. but i’ve also been in a longterm relationship since i last talked to her. i’m capable of it, i just don’t stick around for bullshit ya know? the only reason i broke up with him was because he got drunk and mean. i didn’t want to break up but i had to make a point that he couldn’t act like that toward me.

i absolutely hate my hometown and how “small town” it is.. everybody knows everybody. everyones lives intertwine. it’s ridiculous. that is the second guy we have “in common”.

also.. my transmission finally went completely apeshit on me today. so.. new car this weekend? or bumming rides from people forever. can’t decide.

also also.. i got in a war of words with my boss today. and i won. f da police.

Last night I went to a party… where I only knew a couple people. I wasn’t going to go, but thought going out would possibly lighten up the shitty mood I’d been in all day. It didn’t. The party was lame. Most people weren’t showing up until way late, and I was already tired. Also, the way they fuck with each other isn’t fun to me. They talk as if it’s in jest, but from an outside perspective.. it’s just awkward. At one point, a friend of my brother’s was being a total jerk to me. I’d been nothing but nice to that guy.. and I get insulted for it. So.. I left.

This is one reason why I’m usually not that nice to people. They don’t deserve it. I USED to be nice. I used to be friendly, outgoing, trusting. And then I realized I wasn’t getting back what I was giving.

Made me wonder if I’m the problem, or if the social lifestyle isn’t meant for me. These days, I hate…. everybody. Seriously. And if I like someone, usually everybody else hates them. If I feel like going out, none of my friends do. They’re all married, or have kids.. and just don’t want to do anything. I don’t click with people the way I used to.

I’m lonely but don’t want to admit it. I think it makes me look weak and desperate. I miss having a boyfriend, even if they did treat me like shit. But I’ll be damned if I become one of those girls that stays just because they don’t want to be alone. I have options. If I wanted, I could go get a guy and call them my boyfriend. But that wouldn’t be real. It’d just be a status.

I miss the old days, and some old friends. Our lifestyles outgrew each other.. but I miss the connections. I don’t have many friends with the same musical interests, and that’s a huge part of who I am and what I like to do. I want to go see live bands.. acoustic guitars in a coffee shop or small bar. I want to go sit on the beach late at night and just talk. I want to drive to DC or the middle of nowhere for a day, or even a weekend. I want to invite someone over to watch a movie at my place. Go grab dinner. Plan a vacation. Have “adventures”.

I have friends. But it seems like those friends are always busy doing something else. or.. just not willing to make the effort. I feel like I’m making them do something. I don’t like people going out of their way for me. Makes me feel guilty. In my mind, they’re watching the clock and wanting to leave. I’ve never really been made to feel like someone wanted to be there for me.

I have abandonment issues, if you couldn’t tell.

Sigh… I’m so frustrated right now. I feel very nonsensical, so I’m just gonna end this.

blairsings:

This is a weird kind of emotional post I wrote because I couldn’t sleep. I feel like I shouldn’t post it but I feel compelled to all at the same time? So, if you want to read, click read more. I imagine I’ll delete it in the morning.

Read More

another one from a girl who seems to know how to explain my emotions in a way I didn’t think possible. jeez….

One of the big friendship lessons I’ve learned so far in life is that you shouldn’t feel obligated to remain friends with someone just because you have a history. It should feel natural, not forced. Sometimes life just takes you in different directions, but you can still remain cordial.. catch up every now and again, ya know?

Read more …

I’m still living with my brother. I weighed the hardships of packing and moving and traffic and dealing with my menopausal mother 24/7 again.. and figured I could survive another month or two. I am gonna spend more time over there though. I miss her and she always smiles more when I’m around.

meh.

I entered a singing contest (http://wpte.singlikejohnmayer.com/entries/57697) to win a local prize which is a guitar autographed by John Mayer, a tv, and 2 tix to his show. The grand prize is a chance to fly out to Irvine, CA where I’ll get a green room backstage, John will hand deliver my front row tickets, and I get a meeting with Columbia record execs. I’m realistically only counting on the local prize, but it’d be so fucking fantastic to win the grand prize. I’ve got almost triple the votes the other video has… and although they say the votes aren’t the deciding factor, I think the fact that I’ve got such a lead should influence their decision in my favor. I will be a very depressed woman if not.. :-(

sidenote on the whole singing contest thing: i’ve never been more nervous than to record a video of myself singing and post it online. it literally PAINED me to know that I’d have to promote it and actually ASK people to listen to me. But I did it. Weird things keep happening that make me think I really need to follow my dreams. Also eases my long-standing bitter attitude that nobody ever helps me when I need it. I’ve gotten almost 9000 votes in 5 days thanks to those that care. I’ll never admit it but I cried a little bit when I was thinking about the situation as a whole… reading how great everyone thought I was and how much they’d done to help. It blew me away.

I’ve technically been in my new position for 2 weeks now, but I’ve yet to do any work for the new job. Doesn’t bother me much.. they’re just not handling the whole hiring a replacement thing very well. They’ve scheduled ONE interview, for TWO positions.. and I checked the job opening on the site and it said the listing was closed. Fucking retards run my department, I swear.

Anywho… I’m in a strange mood… just figured if anyone’s reading this they’ll go click that link and vote ;-) haha. I’ve been shamelessly promoting and annoying the hell out of my friends online because of this. I better freakin’ win, dammit.